Saturday, January 22, 2011

From my Island to your Mountain

The clock's ticking in the background. I've never heard it so loud and clearly 'til now...'til this very moment when I'm staring back at an empty browser. I still wanted to tap some more words...words to tell more of how I feel, but as I try to raise my fingers to the letters that may form those words, I find myself holding them back. You need to sleep. You need to close your eyes now and lay back to your most peaceful state. Away from the pressures of the cars needing your most careful and immediate fix. Away from some grating customers...away from the sad thoughts from yesterday and some not so certain glimpses of tomorrow and...away from me...again.

As I tried to rewind towards three months back, I saw myself smiling from a tiny speck of light emerging from from you. Am I falling in love again? I heard myself ask. Why not? I know myself too much not to see the signs. But a little two months earlier from that moment, I lost the only love I promised myself to. Lost the only anchor I had left to keep on waking up each day.... Lost the life that I chose over the rest of the world. And for a brief instance, I suddenly understood the grim thoughts of the despairing souls before ending their own lives. It's always easy to judge those who were weak...but that's all we can do---to judge mercilessly so we can't be in their shoes. Never did I touched myself, though, amid all those dejections and hopeless days when he left. Although, he went away with something from me...something I will never get back. No matter how long I will fight to outlive the stars, it will never be the same. I will never find it nor hear of its whispers.

For days, weeks and months...I fought for my sanity. I saw myself laugh so hard with people I lost along the way for I could cry myself hard 'til I dry up at nights. I heard myself curse reality and be forever in a 'limbo'. I loved him. And yes, loved him so painfully much that after all that has happened, I can't find ill words to say about him. And I know as you read this, if you ever will, can feel what I mean. You've been in the same ship as I was. Maybe, had even been to worst storms and the coldest of mountains. You fell for someone who was bound to shatter your heart and left you a scar I can never wipe away. I was happy with no one before him. He came and made me love too much only to tell myself "STOP...he's not coming back!" She was your first love...and he was mine. And we both heard ourselves say at one point in time that we "only want to be with one person forever".

And then you came. I saw my most promising sunrise at somewhere 9000 miles away. I came at your virtual doorstep to drop a friendly gesture yet you welcomed me to your most comforting living room with coffee and toast. Without realizing it, you were the only person to have known what really happened. You listened without judging. With you, I found a peaceful retreat. Somewhere I can relive my past, unburden myself, leave it there and have a lighter me as i get back to my present. I didn't expect to fall for you nor did I hope and wanted to...not with anyone for a long time. Perhaps, you may have also stopped wanting to be with someone, too. But, do I love you? Yes, in a heartbeat, I do! Your simple ways and admirable character makes me want to become a happier person. You made me believe, once more, that Love, indeed, is patient, kind and not resentful. You gave me back the inner peace that I need.

That thing he took with him? He can have it. A part of me may be missing, but I found a new home. A home where I can only care about what I have now and where I'm starting to build our lil dreams again. I can smile now remembering the faceless bittersweet feelings of the past. I pray that they find their own happiness now, as I have found mine.

As I continue to type, I see an image of you sleeping silently on your couch, smiling this time, as if you just caught a sheep as it tried to jump. I love you, not just because for being who you are. Not because it is you I am with right now. Not because I need to. I love you for the reason that is unknown to me or you. I love you for the bigger power that I can never start to explain. I love you as I continually prove myself wrong when I'm in doubt. I love you and, as I always tell you, that I will never get tired of saying it 'til your ears hurt. Now, sleep soundly, my love. I know it's cold out there so here's my blanket. Feel the warmth now as I whisper goodnight. A few "wake-ups" from now, then we'll be together, for as long as the universe stretch out forever

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