Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Pink Blouse that "ALMOST" Got Away

I was not so sure about believing in DESTINY...until that moment just hours before the year unfolded.  Some things are just meant to be yours and somehow, the universe conspires to make IT happen for you.  Funny how the webbed complexities of our lives would just become wild weeds on our sidewalks when we finally get "THERE".

I did my Post-Christmas shopping on New Year's Eve.  Pretending like it was not something that could bother me a bit, I was running out of thoughts on what to give to my girls.  While they were ogling around the Department Store for something to grab, I found my way to some boutiques...thinking maybe I'd find my rescue there.  True enough, when I entered this certain shop, this Pink lil blouse caught my sight.  I thought I floated swiftly towards that blouse when I, suddenly, felt its soft and coarse texture against my palm. Fearing for my life, I grabbed it to my chest, not wanting any of those bouncy High Schoolers take it.  No Way! Not a chance! precious.  I don't know why I felt so attached to that cheesy-colored stretchy stuff.  I can't even imagine myself getting caught dead wearing it.  And then I remembered my sister, Mary Joy.  I heard myself say "This is her blouse...."  And off I went to the Cashier Area.  Then I heard my phone rang.  It was my other sister, Whitney, telling me, no..., ordering me to get to them ASAP.  I saw the long line of giggling girls and realized I was 14th in line.  This definitely is not my day, I thought.  I walked towards a corner and mournfully laid down the blouse and dug it deep below other blouses...hoping that no one will ever be able to get hold of it.  "I will find you!" I silently screamed out...and ran to my sisters.

There they were with some handful of items for my brothers and parents.  I was pleased by what they've grabbed.  I saw Mary Joy and remembered that blouse.  I frowned at the thought that maybe someone already paid for it by that time.  I told them to just choose whatever they want and they giddily looked around.  Not long after that, I saw Mary Joy, walking fast towards me carrying what seemed to look like 'that' blouse's twin!  It indeed looked so much like it but it wasn't 'it'.  It was of the same style, of lesser quality and price...but the coincidence was quite startling...if not downright funny!  She seemed to like it so we headed to pay for them all.  As we almost got to the cashier, I saw Mary Joy twisting her head towards something that Whitney was pointing to ...and ran to where her eyes was just staring at.  She was heading to the more sophisticated section of the Dept Store and I saw her take down a familiar looking blouse from a display rack.  It was the very "same" blouse.  Same Brand, same color, same size, same price.... The blouse for Mary Joy!  I just shook my head in disbelief.  I heard myself sounded like a walky-talky after I was literally tongue-tied trying to tell them the "funny story" behind the blouse.

I went out of the mall with a renewed faith on fate.  I was reminded of a gift we were all given.  A gift in foreknowing the things that will be best for us.  A gift in small packages, so discreet sometimes, that we tend to not feel nor see their signs.  But, in all the failed chances in getting what we deserve...or what we are meant to have...the hope that there will always be that day, that "moment" when it perfectly feels right to have OWN it, because regardless of when, where and even for how long,  the fact remains that it's always YOURS in the first place.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

From my Island to your Mountain

The clock's ticking in the background. I've never heard it so loud and clearly 'til now...'til this very moment when I'm staring back at an empty browser. I still wanted to tap some more words...words to tell more of how I feel, but as I try to raise my fingers to the letters that may form those words, I find myself holding them back. You need to sleep. You need to close your eyes now and lay back to your most peaceful state. Away from the pressures of the cars needing your most careful and immediate fix. Away from some grating customers...away from the sad thoughts from yesterday and some not so certain glimpses of tomorrow and...away from me...again.

As I tried to rewind towards three months back, I saw myself smiling from a tiny speck of light emerging from from you. Am I falling in love again? I heard myself ask. Why not? I know myself too much not to see the signs. But a little two months earlier from that moment, I lost the only love I promised myself to. Lost the only anchor I had left to keep on waking up each day.... Lost the life that I chose over the rest of the world. And for a brief instance, I suddenly understood the grim thoughts of the despairing souls before ending their own lives. It's always easy to judge those who were weak...but that's all we can do---to judge mercilessly so we can't be in their shoes. Never did I touched myself, though, amid all those dejections and hopeless days when he left. Although, he went away with something from me...something I will never get back. No matter how long I will fight to outlive the stars, it will never be the same. I will never find it nor hear of its whispers.

For days, weeks and months...I fought for my sanity. I saw myself laugh so hard with people I lost along the way for I could cry myself hard 'til I dry up at nights. I heard myself curse reality and be forever in a 'limbo'. I loved him. And yes, loved him so painfully much that after all that has happened, I can't find ill words to say about him. And I know as you read this, if you ever will, can feel what I mean. You've been in the same ship as I was. Maybe, had even been to worst storms and the coldest of mountains. You fell for someone who was bound to shatter your heart and left you a scar I can never wipe away. I was happy with no one before him. He came and made me love too much only to tell myself "STOP...he's not coming back!" She was your first love...and he was mine. And we both heard ourselves say at one point in time that we "only want to be with one person forever".

And then you came. I saw my most promising sunrise at somewhere 9000 miles away. I came at your virtual doorstep to drop a friendly gesture yet you welcomed me to your most comforting living room with coffee and toast. Without realizing it, you were the only person to have known what really happened. You listened without judging. With you, I found a peaceful retreat. Somewhere I can relive my past, unburden myself, leave it there and have a lighter me as i get back to my present. I didn't expect to fall for you nor did I hope and wanted to...not with anyone for a long time. Perhaps, you may have also stopped wanting to be with someone, too. But, do I love you? Yes, in a heartbeat, I do! Your simple ways and admirable character makes me want to become a happier person. You made me believe, once more, that Love, indeed, is patient, kind and not resentful. You gave me back the inner peace that I need.

That thing he took with him? He can have it. A part of me may be missing, but I found a new home. A home where I can only care about what I have now and where I'm starting to build our lil dreams again. I can smile now remembering the faceless bittersweet feelings of the past. I pray that they find their own happiness now, as I have found mine.

As I continue to type, I see an image of you sleeping silently on your couch, smiling this time, as if you just caught a sheep as it tried to jump. I love you, not just because for being who you are. Not because it is you I am with right now. Not because I need to. I love you for the reason that is unknown to me or you. I love you for the bigger power that I can never start to explain. I love you as I continually prove myself wrong when I'm in doubt. I love you and, as I always tell you, that I will never get tired of saying it 'til your ears hurt. Now, sleep soundly, my love. I know it's cold out there so here's my blanket. Feel the warmth now as I whisper goodnight. A few "wake-ups" from now, then we'll be together, for as long as the universe stretch out forever