I Lived A Lifetime of Dream Today

Same old scars bled again.  How could a person, who used to give you joy, can suddenly become a nightmare?  No…, feelings are not the same anymore.  I am not hurt because I still love him… coz I don’t…at least not anymore.  He came. I loved. He promised. I waited. He said sorry.  I forgave. He promised again. I waited longer. He accused. I proved him wrong. He left. I begged. He cursed. I cried. I begged again. He cursed some more. I still loved. He never looked back. I died.

And in an instant, I remembered how alive I still am right now.  It was not long after I died that I came back to life.  Wearing his own wounds, another man came and breathes into me his own.  Now, we see the world from a single view. Our souls are one.  Although, I still can feel the lingering pains of a past, not so far behind, I live for the NOW that we share together; in the midst of distance and time.  At the very thought, I wipe away the tears and lie down.  Where can you be right now?  I need you so much.  I wish I could talk to the moon again, like I used to, when the one I need is nowhere near.  Trying to remember his voice and picture him in his usual sleepy mode, I felt my own eyes narrowed until the world, as I see it, was gone into the emptiness.

And there you are….

I close my eyes....

I close my eyes, and there you are again
In the moonlit darkness, simply a sight to behold
Another night has fallen, once again you are so far away
In the shadows so dark, quietly I hear myself pray

I close my eyes, and there is your sweetest smile
You love a certain way and make all worthwhile
Another night descended, again the tears I must fight
All alone once more, struggling to survive the night

I close my eyes, and your voice echoes in my head
With a heart so heavy, I listen to every word you have said
Another night closes in, a deafening silence is all I hear
In this dreamland so barren, wishing I could bring you near

I close my eyes, again, it's your touch I long to feel
Too long it has been, too good to be real
Another night I must face, desperately...painfully
I am here without you, what worse shall I be in

And then I heard my heart speak, spoke of nothing but of love and love for you
It was once cruelly shattered, and you carefully made it whole again
Another night, now a memory, once again a new day awaits....
I close my eyes and I breathe love in...'til I wake up to the promised day.

The Man on the Sketch

I saw a sketch I did of you.  It is still unfinished...of course.  Looking at it now, it could pass for someone else's who I do not know. Yes...a stranger.  Then I checked your very last message and found myself frown.  Could they be the same man? I heard myself asked.  No one...not even me, has the answer.  Watching the sketch closely, I tried to search through myself for little clues of who you are...or rather, who you were.  And then I saw a glimpse of that afternoon when I happily sat on one of the steps of our Nipa Cottage at home, with my newly-bought sketch pad on my lap, my favorite picture of you and my cellphone against my ear...giddily telling you how it was hard to sketch your eyes... You said you couldn't wait to see it done.  That was just one of the countless happy moments I knew I had.  And just like few of the untold fairy tales, mine ended...just a little later after I was almost done with that sketch...which I never finished.

It's been months since I last heard your voice.  I still have little hints of how you sound.  Only now, they don't give the same chimes I always get just by hearing you say "Hello".  People who may read this would probably wonder why on earth am I still writing about this...about you?  I could only answer, why not? Have they ever heard me talk about it?  I did to some...to some who didn't ask for explanation...to the few who never really asked at all...but understood...and cared...and now, are the first persons who smiled at the new home I am in.

Thank you so much.  


That is what I really want to say to you.  After all that has happened...and all the cruelest emotions that possessed me for days, months...and longer...I can never thank you enough for the three years of self explorations, sweetest surprises, simple thoughts that meant so much and all those that you may have long forgotten and buried.

I do not know if you were hurting, too, but know in your heart that what I had for you was what could be the rarest of love you can ever have.  You had a girl who, without blinking, chose you over everything else...someone who lived everyday for your sake and happiness.  Someone who believed in forever because forever was you.  You made her suddenly want a family of her own...with you.  Someone who never saw herself with anyone but one man, YOU.  Someone who waited for so long...and was willing to wait forever...you know she would.  Do you know what makes her smile after all this time?  The love you showed her and the kind she gave back made her not stop loving.  The pain she bore was nameless...extremely beyond her, yet the most beautiful memories carried her through.  Painful words constantly gave her nightmares but she lived on the fields of dreams you made her create and she would not leave.  For so many days and months she waited...she held on to your words that you will never leave her. Not for any kind of reasons...especially not for something she never did...because you know in your heart she is not capable of doing so.  And yet she still loved you more.  She thought she can never move forward without you, something only those who healed their broken hearts will understand.  You did not come back...nor looked back one bit. You left her with knives that kept her from healing...the scars are still here.  You were the sweetest pain she was breathing every single day....

Whatever your true reasons for leaving, I may wonder, but won't ask anymore.  I will never be bitter...not ever.  I do care for you still...you were the man I once loved. You were my first love who I just thought would last...but it won't...anymore.  It was tough at the denial stage.  Well, except for me, who would really think we would last, when for most, if not all, there really never were US in the first place.  In spite of all these, I believed in what we had...or what I had, at least.   I realized just how big I can love and the extent of what I can do for it and it alone.  That even after the death of it from the other, it can still empower me to deserve bigger love.


If it were not for you, I would not have known how to love completely.  With you, I learned how important it is to let your beloved know just how much you love her...how it can give her courage and strength.  You showed me what it was like to care so much, like the way you did.  Every day, you were never away.  This is my last curtain call in this stage of ours.  It's actually been a few months since I rose from my death.  Since then, I lived again.  I had my heart beating again.  I never gave up on love.  Love never failed me.... It's just some people doesn't know how to own it the way it should.  My heart didn't push you out. It simply made a special room for you. It's a place where the beating does not happen.  It is where a  reminder lives on to guide my heart to whom it is beating for now.


Thank you for the bedtime stories about orcs and elves and even about Napoleon.  Thank you for keeping me company whenever I was on the road.  You never skipped tucking me into bed and would not forget to say goodnight before closing your eyes.  I am happy to have loved you.  And I am happier that it is over.  Your words may still hurt...but that is all it can do now.  This home I am in now is my heaven and there will be no death, no more.  Thank you...because you had led me to him.  And I am willing to go back in time, love you and be hurt...just so I can still have him like I do now.  I hope you get to meet him one day...and you'll see how good you have molded me and deserve someone like him.


I pray to see you with someone, too...and see you smiling the way I had loved in you.  A smile that will tell me, "Thank you, Ella. We were right to not make it.  Thank you Ella, for loving me too.  Thank you, for not hurting me back the way I might have hurt you.  Thank you for the same reasons you thank me for, too."


And just like our memories together, the sketch of you shall find a friend.  With a last look, I gave in to a smile. A smile that leaves no trace of what ifs  and nots.  A smile that knows I am where I deserve to be.

TAKLONG ISLAND (Guimaras) - A SLICE OF PARADISE

Sometimes in life, one can just get so lucky.  In my case, one thing I can always thank for is the fact that half my blood flew from the WEST---Western Visayas, that is.  I had always been proud of my Ilonggo roots.  The perks from being so are countless.  From a recent "historic" event, as far as my clan is concerned, that me and my family attended at Guimbal, Iloilo, I came across another paradise here on Earth.  Although I have to mention that I haven't gone to this place yet, thanks to my dearly beloved job which I have to go rushing back to Cebu to (I am not kidding!), my family and kins were so kind to take a lot of pictures for me to just ogle at and drool over while they shamelessly romance with the beauty over and over again.


I am talking about TAKLONG ISLAND, which is actually a group of islets still forming part of Nueva Valencia, Guimaras, the hometown of my Tatay's clan. Taklong Island or Taklong Island Marine Reserve (TINMAR) is one of the country's marine-protected sites maintained by University of the Philippines - Visayas (UPV).  The reserve boasts of many rock formations, diverse flora and fauna, beautiful white-sand beaches and sandbars---and my family actually got to spend a day on it, without me....(sniff)


Below are some of the images taken by my sibs as they explore the island's beauty.  Looking at them, over and over again, makes me feel better, knowing I have another place to put in my list.  It's indeed worthwhile to be an Earthling, after all!  God is great!

My family and relatives took a motorboat ride (courtesy of my Uncle) from the mainland at Rumagangrang to Talkong Island.

That's my Tatay enjoying a ride on the raft he made

My lil sister and cousin enjoying their vantage point of the beach

Lil Mutyas?

Kins loving the sun and the sea

City girls just can't get enough, eh....

One of the lovely rock formations

My Nanay and sisters dipping in

Sister getting on her "natural" salva vida

She used to hate being under the sun so much...but not here...:)

Soon enough, I know I will find myself in Taklong.  But, before that...I'd be enjoying one of my favorite places in the world...Rumagangrang Beach...but that's another story to tell...and another set of pictures so show.  So guys, get your backpacks and explore the country! We have a lot of hidden treasures just waiting discovery!

A Song for my Man

A Special Song for my Man

           

I came across this song again one random evening.  It’s one of the most beautiful pieces of OPM I have ever heard in such a long time.  I may have heard it a lot of times before, but it is not since recently that it had become so meaningful to me.  It reminded me so much of the great love stories I have read and seen in movies.  It is that love song that ultimately depicts a woman’s timeless and unconditional love and devotion to her beloved, her Man.

It takes a very special kind of experience with love to truly relate and be inspired of this song…though simple in melody and lyrics; it brings about that certain grasp of strength and courage in a person from just loving and being loved and knowing that no matter what the future will be for them, the love and commitment vowed will go beyond time and any human condition.

Will you still honestly love your man even when you forget about him?  Remember nothing from him---not even his name?

This song, as I always find myself singing along to it, says that I will surely do.

How about you? Will you

To my man, Dustin, this song is for you. Always remember that my heart will never stop loving you…NO MATTER WHAT….

Here's a simple slideshow I made to accompany this beautiful song

Sakaling Malimutan Ka

Sung by: Carol Banawa

(With English Translation)

Sakaling pag gising

Should I wake up and

Malimutan Ka

Forget you

Sa puso'y may guhit

In my heart is a sketch

Ng iyong mukha

Of your face

At kung kailangang

And should I need to

Ngayo'y magpaalam

Say goodbye now

Sana'y bukas nasa piling ko'y ikaw

I hope to still be with you tomorrow

Mawalay man sa aking isip

If one day I may forget you

Puso ko ay iibigin ka

My heart will still love you

Hanggang sa walang hanggan

Until the end of forever

Ang langit man sati'y pawiin

And if our heaven shall end

Puso'y uulit-ulitin pa

My heart will remember over and over again

Ang pangako mong pag-ibig nating dalawa
The promise of our True Love

Sakaling ang isip

If in my memory

Malimutan ka

I will forget you

Sa puso'y may ukit ng iyong mukha

I shall find your face carved in my heart

At kung isang araw tayo'y magpaalam

And if one day, we shall say goodbye

Habang buhay Nasa puso ko'y ikaw

For as long as live, I will have only you in my heart

Mawalay man sa aking isip

If one day I may forget you

Puso ko ay iibigin ka

My heart will still love you

Hanggang sa walang hanggan

Until the end of forever

Ang langit man sati'y pawiin

And if our heaven shall end

Puso'y uulit-ulitin pa

My heart will remember over and over again

Ang pangako mong pag-ibig sinta

The promise of your Love

Kahit pa ika'y malimutan

For even if I lose all my memories

Sa 'king puso ay iibigin ka

In my heart, I will always Love you

……………………………

Our road to forever is long.  And I am not going live for that single moment in the future.  I will live for every single day that we are together. Each simple moment with you will be a piece of Heaven here on earth.  We may not have the classic love story I used to dream of…and may live in our own modern tragedy…as of the moment, I will eternally be grateful to have lived this lifetime where you exist, for letting me be part of you and for having this chance of commitment to just be yours for as long as God permits.

Forever and ever, Baby….

A Letter from Ate

A Letter from Ate

Dear Phoebe,


Not so long ago, when you were still donning your cute lil tee-and-short-uniform at kindergarten, when I can't fetch you up, I used to still wait for you at our "tindahan" after your class so I could take you to Sugarloaf and buy you foods you like.  Ugh!  The stuffs I do for affection.  I know...I can be that desperate. But you were our cutest little bunso who could give "Tweety" a run for her money...and you were the last remaining proof that I was still an "Ate", for you were the only little sib of mine that I can freely carry, hug and kiss in front of people.  Your other Ates and Kuyas were "too old" for those...or so they said.

You are a young lady now.  I can't believe how time flies so quickly.  One day, I was just cradling you when Nanay was too tired after a day's work.  Other days, after some years have gone, I had fun playing dead just to make you cry...to my amusement (so bad of me) or whenever I would scare you about having sharks below our couch so I could make you cling unto me.  I could still remember how your smile would reach up to your ears when you see me outside your classroom to fetch you 'coz you know that you will be having your favorite Jollibee Kiddie Meal and your new toy again.  I didn't care if I would spend all of what I got from my allowance.  I was just a selfish Ate who wanted her kid sisters and brothers to stay...well, my little sisters and brothers always.

I could not be happier to have seen you grow up enjoying and experiencing all that a kid should be.  You may have not gotten all the pretty little things that most girls dream of and eventually have had, but you surely did have the life and love most of them can only pray for.  Each of us, from Tatay and Nanay to all the rest of your Kuyas and Ates, has a reason for being proud.  You are just halfway towards teenage life yet you've already gained my admiration and trust that you are on the right path---your path, guided by faith and love. 
When you were younger, I kind of feared you might become a lil bit of a handful.  Remembering all the funny and crazy memories of the "maldita" little Phoebe, who would've thought she'd be this quiet, soft-spoken, sweet, gentle-at-times-clumsy, humble and level-headed young lass and who never, ever answered back when reprimanded.  Sorry for those times I may had been hard on you and the others, for understanding me and forgiving my lapses as a big sister.

Now that you are on your way to one of the most exciting phase of your life, I have this odd mix of excitement, nostalgia and hope.  I am happy for you to have been accepted by the school of your choice and desire...which is the same school I went to.  I don't have the luxury of pride from my own teenage years to be able to share a wisdom or two; as I felt that I could have been a better girl growing up like I know you will surely do.  Yet, all I can assure you is that I will always be right beside, behind or in front of you, however you will need me to be.  That I know I can keep even if I am already in a point where any day from now, I may not be as close as I had always been.


Go, grow and glow...Phoebe.  Yes.  As funny as it sounded, you are meant to do and be so.  You are a beautiful individual.  Don't prove it...live it!  The years before you now is vast, but don't waste each step...experience it...make moments that last a lifetime.  Now, I can see you sleeping, still in between Nanay and Tatay, something I doubt will change any sooner.  Dream of your own garden, to take care of and where you can still play in...for you still are girl, budding into a same new you, every single day.

Raison d'être

Raison d'être

As I peek through the pitch black nightsky, I was wondering for how long I can go stare at its vastness ‘til I can see those stars again.  It took just a few blinks and there they were, little by little, fading in before me.  They always seem to hide when you start looking for them.  I tried counting them again ‘til I begged to give up.  This is what I hate in myself sometimes…when I try to just count what could be beyond me.

          And then, as naturally as it gets, you swam through my thoughts again…wondering what you are doing.  Some days become really worse.  It’s when I would miss you with such great passion that I would rather disappear into nothing.  I could barely remember what I had before you.  And as those tiny specks of light continue to prance; guiltily, I stopped fighting to count the reasons why…I love you.

I love you.  You bet, I do.

I love you…because…you are you, the best mechanic in town. Yes, you are imperfect in so many ways, the way you’d rather put it, but I know better.  A great son, uncle, neighbor, friend, husband and a genuine Christian, yes, that’s what you are.  Just knowing you makes me a lot prouder.  You are so great with kids…makes me want have millions with you.  You are good at donning a messy hair…and still be looking cute with it.  You, indeed, are a man of few ‘smiles’, but when you do, make the butterflies inside me sashay endlessly.  I love that you are patient and impatient at the same time, proving myself further how loving can make a person crazy-happy. I love how you practically make me, a girl with everlasting imaginations, frozen when you think aloud.  I love how you make me want to go on writing, even if words had become scarce.  I love it when you slept in front of me one time that I just stared at you for hours and listened to your slow breathing as you dreamed away.  You even snored and it made my day!  I love how you are so gentle with “Lucky”.  Sometimes, I would rather want to trade places with her and have you play with me, instead. 

I love the way you care for the people you love…makes me want to take care of you for the rest of my life.  I love the mere sound of your voice, even in silence.  I could listen to it every single second of my waking days.  You remember that time when you tried to write me after a long day?  You told me of how you kept on sleeping on the keyboards and have to delete and correct all the mistyped words, to my amusement.  It made me laugh the whole day through…even a little bit more the next day.  The day before that, I had the gloomiest hours, so I could never thank you enough for that. 

I love how you were…your past; with joys and pains, make you more beautiful.  Your wounds, so delicate, I would love to kiss, everyday.  I love who you have become, though you may have just stayed the same.  You make me love you more and more…and more and some more.  I love how you make me seem to have known you longer and frown at the fact that life has to end somewhere in time.  I love how you made my past linger no more and make me long for moments, even difficult ones, as long as they’re with you.  I love how you make the rains warm me up and make all gardens seem to be in full bloom all the time.  I love how you make all sounds seem to become love songs all too suddenly.  I love the way you believe in me, respect me, care for me and just never leave me, inspite of the distance and time.  When I am at extremes, you have your way of becoming my gravity, pulling me back to my earth.  When in doubt, you just kiss all the clouds away.  I love how you are always gentle with me and keep forgiving my complexities.

I love you, I love you and I love you…and for a trillion and more reasons.  Our lifetime is never enough for me to say them all.  And if I do, I am sure, there will be more to discover. I love you because…

…you make the best lasagna

…you draw the funniest cartoons on the walls

…you are the best amateur landscape photographer I know

…you are cutest when you are sleepy

…you are my best human self-help book

…you continue to be my No. 1 fan, if not the only one

…you push and pull me when I needed to be

…you give me the best XOXOs

…you are my best friend

…you read everything I write and love them no matter how corny they can get

…you eat all the cheesy stuffs I make

…you are the kindest and sweetest gentleman I have ever bumped into

…you are my REAL-LIFE Noah Calhoun

…you are my REAL Knight-in-Shining-Armor

…you are gonna give us own Russels and Boos one day

…you made me believe in ‘that kind of love’ that I thought was a long shot

…you are my Man and my Baby in One

…you are my Mountain Guy

…you love your Island Girl

…you are MINE

…you are God-sent in every single way

…I just love you

…and I will always do.

Loving you alone makes another trillion and one reasons to keep on living and to thank God for life.  It makes the whole vastness of science, space and the limitations that their laws command become utterly insignificant.

Again, I love you…and will never tire of falling in love with you over and over again….